September Goals and Monthly Updates

1. August Lull - catfish, security threats 
2. September Plans
3. B-Day Videos, 6 edited, drop box, etc
4. New Monitor Goal
5. Dukes! Dukes! Dukes?

Happy Hump Day! And Happy end of August!

Sorry for the lull the last few weeks, I was just getting things in order and then had a bit of a security threat in mid August. I was notified by a hand full of people that someone has been stealing my photos and using them on tinder. I still haven't been able to get this person removed but my initial fear was that it was a personal and malicious attack because a friend who lives near me was matched with this catfish. I thought, oh shit, who ever is doing this is near by and maybe knows me. But later we found out that it's using some sort of bot and will show up on your tinder pretty much anywhere. But obvs with a human moderator, if you remember me chasing them for a few days every time they changed their instagram name lol.

Life Sucks...

I just got back from the convenient store and had to take one of those stress shits.

You know, cos your stomach has been in knots and you couldn't finish your lunch and your waiting for the slowest, most terrifying 1960's elevator and now you gotta poop so bad and you drop your keys and your phone falls out of your backpack when you reach down to get them. You know, you're about to shit your pants and everything hurts and you said something mean to the boy you like yesterday and you just got off the phone with your accountant and you're terrified of checking the mail because that's where the evil bills live. It's okay though cos your were actually able to buy cigarettes because the most perfectly timed referral check came in and you've got half a bottle of vodka and the rest of your lunch in the fridge. But you still need to poop so bad. Your holding two 2-liters and a pack of smokes and juggling keys and a backpack and your phone and your dark thoughts and deep fears of the unknown and your future and your family and things you care about and people you forgot to call back. You know, you're like sweating and confused because life sucks and everything is terrible and people are mean and you hate yourself cos sometimes you're a dick, but you're also really excited and motivated because God is good and friends are magical little butterflies and the sun is shinning and you're kinda claustrophobic and elevators are terrifying, especially this one, but you're proud of yourself for facing it daily, and you have at least that tiny illusion of control over your life. Love is still true, you don't have to figure everything out today, you're strong and you're worthy, there will be a tomorrow, and all the mantras hanging on your fridge are great and you've kept it pretty positive and real, you just have to clench your ass long enough to get inside and get to your toilet. Your stomach hurts and stress sucks but you haven't had an ulcer in years and everything is going to be okay and oh god how long is this elevator going to take... you know? One of those stress shits.

 I ran in my house and dropped everything on the floor. I need a fucking cigarette and I chugged my coffee so I could carry the rest of this crap home and I just really want to poop. I tripped over the cat trying to get my shorts unbuttoned quickly and dove ass first toward my tiny pink toilet...


I forgot to get toilet paper.

Life sucks, it really really fucking sucks. You just gotta tell it where and how hard.

The great AFK of 2016: It's not you, it's me...

Here we are, one year and one month from my last post, again. I'm really neglecting this thing, huh? I realized it was time for me to scoot into gear and get back on the blogging after a long conversation with one of my fans-turned friend yesterday. I realize that my absence affects you guys but sometimes I forget just how much, and how negatively, my AFK status can be on you. Especially those of you I have had the honor to form close friendships with. So allow me to apologize once again and hopefully clear up some questions you may or may not have.

I'm not mad at you. I'm not trying to ghost out. Also, I'm okay and not rocking back and forth in the fetal position with crippling anxiety. Since moving here about two years ago, lots of crazy things have happened in my AFK life. Some things you know about, and some I cannot share in order to protect my secret identity, lol. There have been a few huge and life changing changes (thesaurus anyone?) that have taken place, namely last summer leading up to basement Zoe and crazy cranky sad Zoe. I'm working on ways to release details to you guys without threatening the brand and community we have built over the last 3 and a half years together. Allow me to reiterate, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME!

Top #20 - Competition

My birthday is here, and once again we will be competing for a spot in the top #20 Miss MFC. I want to remind everyone that while this is a fun and friendly competition, it is still competitive. I would ask my members to keep a positive attitude and adhere closely to the "if you don't have anything nice to say, stfu" rule.

I don't want to down play the competitive aspect of all this. It's there, we can't deny it. But we can choose to conduct ourselves in a mature way and we can choose to gain a positive perspective from it.

Not so much in a writing mood....

But there is this, so...

Happy Hump Day!

-Zoe

Anxiety, Depression, Change...

I have been affected by anxiety since I can remember. When I was 8 years old, my friend in ballet class used to call me the "worry wart." I was always so concerned with details, concerned with doing well, afraid of messing up.

In middle school during English class, the boy behind me kept kicking the back of my chair. After a few days of this, I finally worked up the nerve to turn around and tell him to quit, only to be immediately yelled at by my teacher. She didn't see the whole situation, she just saw me turning to tell off a boy. I was so embarrassed, I cried.

   

 In high school, I began to experience panic attacks and night terrors. My dad took me to the doctor and after being treated for ulcers I had developed from stress, I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. In large classes, I would become so overwhelmed by hearing all the talking during free time that every few weeks I was getting in trouble for walking off campus and going home without informing anyone. After my diagnosis, I was allowed to sit in the counselor's office if I needed to leave class and she would do paper work while I read Alexander Dumas.

It's been a while!!

So, according to this here blog, I haven't written in a year and a month...

Sorry about that but OH MY!! What a busy year it has been!!

When I wrote last, I was just about to move out of state. I am pleased to inform you, if you don't already know, that my move was a success! Next month, I'm moving again but only across the street this time :)

I'm looking forward to bigger windows, a better view, cement floors, and internet connections post 2002. I'm super excited. My move in date is 2 days before my birthday so it will be like getting a cute apartment as a gift! To myself!! Also, I am in the process of buying myself a few acres next to my grandma and this year my plan is to begin working on a house there. All more magical opportunities, thanks to you guys.

The biggest news I want to share with you now is my website. I am in the process of developing an paid member site where you can not only follow me like other social media, you can actually join and receive lots of cool stuff directly!

I guess that's why blogs are on my mind. My new site will have video and picture content in addition to a blog that I will update like, every day. I'm both excited and nervous. If you haven't noticed, I like writing and I like people reading my stuff, but it is going to take an extra dose of discipline on my part to do this daily and consistently. I can't wait!! I love a challenge.

I hope you guys can get excited about this with me!! You've already shown so much support in other areas and with out you, I wouldn't have the opportunity for yet another creative outlet.

Anyway, you're awesome. And as always, thank you so much for reading. I'm keeping it short and sweet today.