Life Sucks...

I just got back from the convenient store and had to take one of those stress shits.

You know, cos your stomach has been in knots and you couldn't finish your lunch and your waiting for the slowest, most terrifying 1960's elevator and now you gotta poop so bad and you drop your keys and your phone falls out of your backpack when you reach down to get them. You know, you're about to shit your pants and everything hurts and you said something mean to the boy you like yesterday and you just got off the phone with your accountant and you're terrified of checking the mail because that's where the evil bills live. It's okay though cos your were actually able to buy cigarettes because the most perfectly timed referral check came in and you've got half a bottle of vodka and the rest of your lunch in the fridge. But you still need to poop so bad. Your holding two 2-liters and a pack of smokes and juggling keys and a backpack and your phone and your dark thoughts and deep fears of the unknown and your future and your family and things you care about and people you forgot to call back. You know, you're like sweating and confused because life sucks and everything is terrible and people are mean and you hate yourself cos sometimes you're a dick, but you're also really excited and motivated because God is good and friends are magical little butterflies and the sun is shinning and you're kinda claustrophobic and elevators are terrifying, especially this one, but you're proud of yourself for facing it daily, and you have at least that tiny illusion of control over your life. Love is still true, you don't have to figure everything out today, you're strong and you're worthy, there will be a tomorrow, and all the mantras hanging on your fridge are great and you've kept it pretty positive and real, you just have to clench your ass long enough to get inside and get to your toilet. Your stomach hurts and stress sucks but you haven't had an ulcer in years and everything is going to be okay and oh god how long is this elevator going to take... you know? One of those stress shits.

 I ran in my house and dropped everything on the floor. I need a fucking cigarette and I chugged my coffee so I could carry the rest of this crap home and I just really want to poop. I tripped over the cat trying to get my shorts unbuttoned quickly and dove ass first toward my tiny pink toilet...


I forgot to get toilet paper.

Life sucks, it really really fucking sucks. You just gotta tell it where and how hard.

You'll Understand When You're Older: Ode to the 15 Year Old Zoe

Being young is weird. I'm not all grown up yet and I think I'm starting to realize that that simply doesn't happen for anyone. If I could tell my future-adult child-having self one thing, it would be to promise to never EVER tell your kids (teenagers) that "You'll understand when you're older." You won't. You will just get more comfortable with the fact that not every thing can be understood. Adults don't have some superpower that allows them to understand everything. A lot of adults give up trying to understand. The healthy ones learn to accept their humanity and accept their reliance on the unknown, and they are okay with that. Other adults get bitter about being so insecure. They are dicks, don't be like them.

There is truth though, to the statement "You'll understand when you're older." Basic biology teaches us that the frontal cortex of the brain has yet to fully develop and this helps you process your perception of the future (1). Right now, every thing seems permanent, there is no future and your life now is all that you can chemically understand. Add in a dash of childhood pains, hormones, growth spurts, and general awkwardness and you've got the makings of a really great emo band.

But that's the truth. You won't ever understand but as I'm sure everyone has already told you, it does in fact get better. Happiness really is what you make it and if that is true, then you not only have the opportunity but the responsibility to find what makes you happy. There isn't room for more bitter, insecure dicks in this world. You have to work for this happiness and it's hard work. You can't simply get a job and buy more makeup to be happy. You can't join a gym and look like -who's a popular hottie these days you kids all like?- to be happy. You can't make good grades and satisfy all your parent's expectations to be happy. You can't kiss ass and make everyone like you to be happy. You can't get super rich and buy a bunch of friends to be happy.