Thank You!

I know it is common for people to reflect on what they are happy about around the holidays and they go all ooy gooy about this and that... but at risk of being totally cliche, I just want to say Thank You!

Last November I decided to be a cam model.

I wasn't desperate for money. I wasn't in need of attention. I was curious. I'm an explorer and I like asking questions. It started out sort of like a research project and a test of my sexuality. I like to think of myself as a fairly open minded person and at the time, I was sort of wondering about my definitions of sexuality. I knew I was offended by porn but I didn't really know why. Was it because society taught me as a woman to find male sexuality vile and dirty? Or was it simply a preference, a choice I had made on my own, social bias aside?

That adventure is a whole different post but let's stick to the curiosity theme here. I was listening to Howard Stern's talk radio show and he was interviewing a girl who fucked herself in front of a webcam for money.

Up to this point, I had never heard of such a thing. So, I'm not big into porn. But I am into figuring things out. And to be honest, the exhibitionist aspect gets me excited. (Getting gang fucked by strong men with competition winning sized penises DOES NOT) This particular interviewee on Howard's show had her experience in porn and so I assumed this was some thing porn stars did on the side and didn't really think it was something "normal" girls did. And I didn't think too much about it for a while.


Some months later, my room mate and I were perving through red tube and he was showing me the "hot" girls. I'm not into porn, I've said this. But something caught my attention. It was something along the lines of "babe finger fucks herself in front of web cam" and it reminded me of that radio program I had heard.

I made him click on it and naively asked, "do girls actually do that?" Obviously, it was a professional porn company with one of their stars and they were making it look amateur but I started to wonder, is there such a place where the girl next door secretly logs onto her web cam late at night and lets people watch as she does her thing?

So the search began. I started looking for this thing called "webcam porn." After a few failed and somewhat frightening searches, I came across a site called streammate featuring live nude girls, amateur and porn star, 24/7.

I became obsessed as I often due when learning about new things. I spent so much time on the site, I kept getting kicked out of rooms and prompted to start a membership.

Eventually, and with much perseverance and skill, I happened upon a woman who would eventually inspire the shit out of me. She was pretty, but in what at the time (my opinions have changed) was a sort of normal way. She had medium brown hair and pretty brown eyes. Awesome girly smile. She wasn't perfect. I guess I expected the queen of cam modeling to be some definition of "perfect." But her lack of perfection made her more interesting. What caught my initial interest was her teeth, and I know this sounds funny but my teeth aren't "perfect." They are clean and white and fairly straight but I've got this one that sort of sticks out in the front and a friend of mine used to make fun of it really bad. (karma- she ended up falling in love with and marrying a guy with a crazy fucking tooth, way worse than mine) (Gawd, so many tangents in this story!) ANYWAY, the cam model. Her teeth. She sorta had the same little sorta crooked sorta not perfect tooth there, right in the front, like mine. 

People always tell me "it makes you unique" and until seeing this particular model, I thought what they meant was "yeah it's weird, but we love you anyway." Which was fine with me. I expect those who I consider friends to not be so shallow as to think less of me just because my parents didn't have money for braces when I was 13. But when I saw her and I saw her smile, I really understood, at that moment, what it means to be beautiful. Sure, I can't actually define it in words. But I felt this energy that was so powerful, it was obvious that "sexy" was more than straight teeth and long legs.

She wasn't blond. She didn't have plastic double Ds. She hadn't just turned 18. She wasn't wearing fishnets and a guarder belt. She wasn't fingering her ass hole. She wasn't strutting down the street giving suggestive glances at men driving by.

She was just sitting there.

I read her profile and it said something like "faster harder deeper doesn't always mean better..." She does what she likes. And you can take it or leave it. (everyone was taking it, if you were wondering.) This little statement confirmed something in me. Not only can I be beautiful and sexy in my own way (I knew that already) but I can be confident in the fact that I don't always like to conform. Because despite the fact that people will always want to tell you what to do, who to be, how to dress, how to act, what people are really looking for is that little life in you that makes you YOU. They are looking for the real girl, not the pretty girl.

Kitty Wilde taught me something without ever actually talking to me (they don't let creepy non paying members talk to the hot girl). Sexy is something from the inside and you can have it without conforming to society's external definitions of beauty and class. She IS beautiful but apart from good genetics and good luck, there is something in her that doesn't care what everyone else finds sexy. She IS sexy and the definition of that is simply something the rest of us are trying to figure out in ways we can explain.

So, at this point in my story, I thought fuck it. I'm funny and smart. I'm kind and friendly. I didn't do too bad in the gene selection. I want to fuck myself on the internet for money. So I did.

I signed up for a few places, took my picture next to my ID, I bought a webcam and a lap top and I logged on to live jasmin as Princess Zoe, just your plain Jane girl next door, with a nose ring and blue hair and knobby knees and big boobs. And a sort of crooked sort of not perfect tooth.

On my first day I wore a black sweater and black lacy panties. I got as drunk as I could and put on my slut make up and wiggled nervously in front of my webcam to the Kings of Leon as men started to tell me things that they would never have said to a nice young lady in public.

After a few minutes of this, a guy took me private. I told him it was my first day and I wasn't ready to get naked but that I would love to dance for him. He was okay with this and he and I watched the dollars and minutes tick off his credit card while I danced and wiggled. I was drunk and I find that guy's voice really sexy and I was hot and nervous and probably looked like an asshole. But I felt sexy. I wasn't blond and I didn't have plastic double Ds. I was really nervous but really excited. After a while mr man said thank you and left. He tipped me $20 bucks too. Which was cool. Not cos $20 is a big deal of money but because he appreciated the fight through my nervousness and didn't get mad that I wasted his time.

After this I was hooked. I logged on every day at all hours. I got drunk and wiggled around and laughed and chatted and fucked my self silly. I met so many friends and my perspectives were constantly changing.

After two months, a friend of mine who I had met while getting naked on the internet mentioned a site called MFC. He told me to check it out, that it was more my style. He said I was too fun and happy for the seedy underbelly of the cam world called live jasmin and that I should work over there instead. I thanked him and sort of ignored the suggestion, everyone has an opinion, you know?

I got suspended from LJ that week because someone had given me their email address. I was making so much money for them every night and they suspended me for something I couldn't even control. They banned me from their site's competition where I was ranked #43 top model in less than a month and they took some of my money as a penalty. Fuck that. I'm Princess fucking Zoe. And all they loyalty I had felt for them at that moment vanished and I remembered MFC. Little did I know, signing up for that site would be one of the best decisions of my life.

I was suspended and couldn't work for a few days. I was addicted to it and went to find a fix. I logged on to MFC as a guest and saw this skinny girl with red hair on the home page. Eva Lee made me grin from the moment I walked (clicked?) into her chat room. She was sitting on this white couch and smiling from ear to ear. I was startled by all the color and emotes flying past my screen. Everyone had unique fonts and personalities and every one was having a good time. All the guys seemed to be friends and no one was desperately competing for her attention. (If you have ever been to her room, you know what I mean.) She was laughing, they were laughing, I was laughing, and I thought "ohh I see, THAT's why he suggested this place." I like to laugh. I like to be happy. I also like to be dirty and sexy and MFC is the place where those things don't have to be mutually exclusive.

and again, this chick wasn't blond. She didn't have plastic double Ds. She was just way fucking cool and way sweet.

I signed up that night and logged on for the first time the next day.

AND, I need a break from writing. You probably need a break from reading. I'll try to finish this story in a part two. First day as a model on MFC, meeting Ginny Potter, and the life changing series of events to come!