So I found Eva Lee. There is a sorta funny part of that part of my story that I forgot to point out. I said I was a guest. After sitting in her room, overwhelmed by the happiness that is Eva, for about twenty minutes, I worked up the nerve to say hello.
I typed "hello" as lame guests do and this error message popped up that I quickly ignored. I waited a few minutes and no one responded so I typed something along the lines of "I really like your hair" like lame guests do. Again, ignore error, again, nothing. I can't really explain the nervousness at this point. I'm sure many have experienced it on their first day on MFC. As a guest. Who everyone is ignoring.
So I thought maybe they didn't see my message cos it was too short. Or maybe they hated me... either way, I was practically sweating. I thought, she seems nice, maybe she wants to help a sister out and finally typed something like "Hey, you look really great. I'm a model too, what kind of camera do you use?"
This time I read the error message. "Guests have been temporarily muted by the model. Please sign up for a free account, asshole." My palms started sweating and getting sore. I thought maybe she had seen my message and had chosen to ignore it. You cannot NOT communicate, right? So I signed up for the free basic account as PrincessZoe2 and again tried to ask the pretty girl with red hair about her camera. This time all I got was "Basics have been temporarily muted... give us 20 bucks or fuck off."
So this irritated me and I gave up.
I just continued through the process of model sign up and was told to wait for an email. It was late and I eventually went to bed after Eva signed off and freed us all from her spell of cuteness and giggles.
I woke up the next morning to an email from MFC saying something along the lines of, wow that was easy, log on when you're ready, slut! I could hardly wait for evening to come when I could test it out.
It was January 15th, 2013 and that is all I can really remember about my first day on MFC. I know, you guys want the gorey details of what really goes on behind that yellow new model banner, and I'm sorry, if I had known this day would change everything for me, I would have paid more attention to it. I can't remember who I met or who I talked to. I think my topic had something to do with flashes, and I just want to get to know you. I do remember I made myself a chart, 1 token = 5 cents, 1,000 tokens = 50 bucks. Live Jasmin showed a dollar amount on how much you have earned and MFC just shows tokens, so I didn't want to be confused by the tips. (I'm a nerd like that, you see, making charts and lists) I had read all the model rules and was excited that nudity was not prohibited in public chat but that it was recommended for private so the model could make more money.
I remember I felt really special. It's hard to explain if you haven't tested out different cam sites but on live jasmin, I felt like I worked for them. MFC has this cool vibe that let's models know that the site exists for their pleasure. They want happy models before happy costumers. They weren't trying to scam me out of a few bucks and that is why they try to pay the most competitive rates to their models. Unlike other sites, the model gets paid no matter what. The model is not penalized for denied credit cards. The model may have friends outside of MFC and may have a wishlist. The only 'negative' here was a safety issue, be careful with your private contact info because we can only protect interactions that take place on our site. I knew they weren't going to penalize me just because some one wanted to give me an email address. They weren't worried about "losing" money for people buying gifts from amazon. They wouldn't ban me from a competition just because I was doing well.
I also remember I was excited about setting my own prices. On LJ, some guy takes you private and you don't even have the option to reject his request. Then, sometimes, as soon as they see pussy they leave you with 75 cents without so much as a thank you and with no consideration to your chat room. On MFC, I get to say when it's time to take my shirt off and I don't automatically get pulled into a private I wasn't ready for.
(OMG this one time on LJ I got penalized $5 for nudity in public chat because some guy ended the private and I didn't know! and just continued with my boobies out! fucking scammers...) Anyway. MFC was fun. I do remember that.
It was difficult to follow the chat and to remember who was who. I remember most everyone was super kind and respectful. Everyone wanted to know when I would be on next and everyone wanted a peek at the goods. It was fun. I remember my first week feeling like a queen. Not only did I get to fuck myself on the internet, just like I always wanted, but I got to do it at my own pace and when I felt like it. The other time was spent laughing and talking and meeting new people.
I met Ginny Potter in mid February. At this time I had started to get a little discouraged. The initial excitement of what I was doing alone in my spare bedroom at night had started to wear off and I noticed this thing MFC calls a cam score. There was this guy at the time who was trying to give me "advice" and I really do believe his intentions were good but he was really bringing me down. I was too nice and too naive to just tell him to fuck off. Eventually I did and that's another story about me learning about myself and boundaries...
But my cam score was "low" at the beginning of February. Less people were hanging out in my room and even less were tipping. I wasn't sure what the problem was or what I was doing wrong. And, with that brain of mine, I embarked on a mission to figure it out. I started lurking in the rooms of the most successful models and was analyzing the things that made them successful. My research consisted of observation and rigorous note taking. What sort of shows did they do, how much did they charge. Do they sell flashes, play games, dance around funny? What was it that made these girls special, what was their special life that I had noticed in my first encounter.
I stumbled upon this annoying loud girl with Christmas lights on her walls and it wasn't even Christmas time. I was feeling pretty down on myself at the time and she actually sort of pissed me off in that jealous way people talk about. I had a bad attitude and mumbled something along the lines of "what's she got that I don't have..." I watched her for a little while and moved on. Later, I started to realize I was taking this attitude with all the girls I was watching and started to think maybe it's not them, it's me.
Time for some internal searching and meditation. After a while I got over myself, gave myself a pat on the back after a stern talking to, how do I expect to learn with a bad attitude. How do I expect to get better and grow if I just sulk and whine.
I had recently changed my profile picture and was feeling better, ready to absorb. It took me a day or so to get out of the funk and I jumped back in, ready to take on the world.
Then I happened upon this funny loud girl with weird lights on her walls. Since I was able to step back, I noticed how much fun was happening in her room. She wasn't annoying and I wasn't angry about it. She was actually pretty cute. Guys were tipping 30 bucks at a time to get her to stop talking, they called this a "mute." Some other hero then had to tip an additional 30 bucks to let the poor girl speak again. I couldn't help but think "This bitch is crazy..." and went to my note taking. Why is it that a bunch of guys will sit around and tip a girl just to make her laugh? All this time, I thought they just wanted boobies. THAT was where I was getting off track, I discovered. I had expectations. I thought that just because I had a new found confidence in my sexy bits that meant everyone should bow down and worship me. What I was really lacking at this point was the confidence to be myself in more aspect than one. If they appreciate my sexy side, they may also appreciate my silly side, my goofy side, my stupid side, all those other sides that make me ME.
I was placing expectation on my members the same way I accused society of placing expectations on me, expectations of beauty and of being a female. I don't like when people tell me what to do, even if it's just by having expectations of me. So why was I sitting here thinking I knew exactly what they wanted?
I still don't know how this shit works. I'm learning that, still, almost a year later. What I do know is that my perspective has changed. My ideas about myself and what I know and think. And the things I think I know about others. I have changed, for what I think is better. Kitty taught me about beauty and that I have a chance at this. Ginny taught me to not be afraid to be myself. Eva taught me that I'm allowed laugh and smile even though I'm about to do something naughty.
This has been one of the greatest adventures of my life so far. I still wonder what it is that makes this what it is... I don't know if I will ever find the words or if they even exist.
All I can say at this point is thank you. There are so many models and so many members who have taught me things. I don't think you would understand even if I had time to list it all out. Just by being there, just by being you, you really have changed my life. You have hurt my feelings, you have made me angry, you have made me question everything I know. Some did that with hopes to bring me down, others did it accidentally. Either way, I am stronger and more confident than I was before all this. You guys have made me laugh, you guys have made me smile, you've made me squeal with excitement and surprise. You remind me every day how fucking great it is to be me. I couldn't ask for more from my life. You remind me that I am human and that I have feelings and that I can face those feelings, I can face disappointment and discouragement, and I can go on anyway. You've reminded me to embrace satisfaction and to absorb those moments of happiness. You remind me to live in the moment and take from life what I can get, to not just let those moments flutter by, a wasted memory.
This experiment is shaping me more and more and I really didn't expect that when I decided I wanted to fuck myself on the internet.
So this has been my honesty session of the day. Since next month is my 1 year camiversary, I want to begin my next mission and that is to get to the top #50 on Miss MFC. I went for top #500 and that was hard, not just on the surface but the few months of failure leading up to success made me question myself a lot. And it will probably happen again. One thing I can say I've learned is that I am not perfect even by my own standard. My biggest fear is of failing and I realized that sometimes that fear actually keeps me from trying. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I may still not be able to meet my goals. Whether or not my goals are a rank on a cam site, or fucking college, or making it through my next work out, I don't have to be afraid to try because I've failed once or twice and I'm still here, bitches.
This sounds silly. You may think I am placing a lot of my self worth into this whole thing and in some ways, I am. I'm testing my self. If I can live through failure and disappointment (even as a dumb naked girl on the webs) then I can live through anything. I refuse to let that fear define me and maybe this is just practice for something bigger to come in life.
So, thank you. Thank you for showing me my weakness and fear, and thank you for being there while I continue to work this shit out. Thank you for giving me the confidence to question what I know. Thank you for being a part of those life lessons and thanks for giving me the opportunity to learn from you. Thank you for tipping me and looking at my boobs. Thank you for telling me dumb jokes and interrupting my long stories with tip noises. Thank you for stopping by before bed just to say a quick hello even though you can't tip. Thank you for thinking about me as a sex object and as a person. Thank you for teaching me about my body and about yours. Thank you for the new financial security I have been experiencing because of your graciousness. Thank you for sending me to a university, thank you for making it possible to dream about a nice apartment with a washer and dryer. Thank you for feeding me what ever I want every night. Thank you for the gifts and the batteries and thank you for putting your name on my tree this year. Thank you for reminding me what beauty is and thank you for confirming my ideas and goals. Thank you for truly demonstrating day after day that I can learn from every moment, not just the good ones.
Fuck, thank you for reading this two part blog.
Hugs. Now enough of that... my eyes are getting sweaty.
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