I don't want to down play the competitive aspect of all this. It's there, we can't deny it. But we can choose to conduct ourselves in a mature way and we can choose to gain a positive perspective from it.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Top #20 - Competition
I don't want to down play the competitive aspect of all this. It's there, we can't deny it. But we can choose to conduct ourselves in a mature way and we can choose to gain a positive perspective from it.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Anxiety, Depression, Change...
I have been affected by anxiety since I can remember. When I was 8 years old, my friend in ballet class used to call me the "worry wart." I was always so concerned with details, concerned with doing well, afraid of messing up.
In middle school during English class, the boy behind me kept kicking the back of my chair. After a few days of this, I finally worked up the nerve to turn around and tell him to quit, only to be immediately yelled at by my teacher. She didn't see the whole situation, she just saw me turning to tell off a boy. I was so embarrassed, I cried.
In high school, I began to experience panic attacks and night terrors. My dad took me to the doctor and after being treated for ulcers I had developed from stress, I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. In large classes, I would become so overwhelmed by hearing all the talking during free time that every few weeks I was getting in trouble for walking off campus and going home without informing anyone. After my diagnosis, I was allowed to sit in the counselor's office if I needed to leave class and she would do paper work while I read Alexander Dumas.
In middle school during English class, the boy behind me kept kicking the back of my chair. After a few days of this, I finally worked up the nerve to turn around and tell him to quit, only to be immediately yelled at by my teacher. She didn't see the whole situation, she just saw me turning to tell off a boy. I was so embarrassed, I cried.
In high school, I began to experience panic attacks and night terrors. My dad took me to the doctor and after being treated for ulcers I had developed from stress, I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. In large classes, I would become so overwhelmed by hearing all the talking during free time that every few weeks I was getting in trouble for walking off campus and going home without informing anyone. After my diagnosis, I was allowed to sit in the counselor's office if I needed to leave class and she would do paper work while I read Alexander Dumas.
It's been a while!!
So, according to this here blog, I haven't written in a year and a month...Sorry about that but OH MY!! What a busy year it has been!!
When I wrote last, I was just about to move out of state. I am pleased to inform you, if you don't already know, that my move was a success! Next month, I'm moving again but only across the street this time :)
I'm looking forward to bigger windows, a better view, cement floors, and internet connections post 2002. I'm super excited. My move in date is 2 days before my birthday so it will be like getting a cute apartment as a gift! To myself!! Also, I am in the process of buying myself a few acres next to my grandma and this year my plan is to begin working on a house there. All more magical opportunities, thanks to you guys.
The biggest news I want to share with you now is my website. I am in the process of developing an paid member site where you can not only follow me like other social media, you can actually join and receive lots of cool stuff directly!
I guess that's why blogs are on my mind. My new site will have video and picture content in addition to a blog that I will update like, every day. I'm both excited and nervous. If you haven't noticed, I like writing and I like people reading my stuff, but it is going to take an extra dose of discipline on my part to do this daily and consistently. I can't wait!! I love a challenge.
I hope you guys can get excited about this with me!! You've already shown so much support in other areas and with out you, I wouldn't have the opportunity for yet another creative outlet.
Anyway, you're awesome. And as always, thank you so much for reading. I'm keeping it short and sweet today.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
You'll Understand When You're Older: Ode to the 15 Year Old Zoe
Being young is weird. I'm not all grown up yet and I think I'm starting to realize that that simply doesn't happen for anyone. If I could tell my future-adult child-having self one thing, it would be to promise to never EVER tell your kids (teenagers) that "You'll understand when you're older." You won't. You will just get more comfortable with the fact that not every thing can be understood. Adults don't have some superpower that allows them to understand everything. A lot of adults give up trying to understand. The healthy ones learn to accept their humanity and accept their reliance on the unknown, and they are okay with that. Other adults get bitter about being so insecure. They are dicks, don't be like them.
There is truth though, to the statement "You'll understand when you're older." Basic biology teaches us that the frontal cortex of the brain has yet to fully develop and this helps you process your perception of the future (1). Right now, every thing seems permanent, there is no future and your life now is all that you can chemically understand. Add in a dash of childhood pains, hormones, growth spurts, and general awkwardness and you've got the makings of a really great emo band.
But that's the truth. You won't ever understand but as I'm sure everyone has already told you, it does in fact get better. Happiness really is what you make it and if that is true, then you not only have the opportunity but the responsibility to find what makes you happy. There isn't room for more bitter, insecure dicks in this world. You have to work for this happiness and it's hard work. You can't simply get a job and buy more makeup to be happy. You can't join a gym and look like -who's a popular hottie these days you kids all like?- to be happy. You can't make good grades and satisfy all your parent's expectations to be happy. You can't kiss ass and make everyone like you to be happy. You can't get super rich and buy a bunch of friends to be happy.
There is truth though, to the statement "You'll understand when you're older." Basic biology teaches us that the frontal cortex of the brain has yet to fully develop and this helps you process your perception of the future (1). Right now, every thing seems permanent, there is no future and your life now is all that you can chemically understand. Add in a dash of childhood pains, hormones, growth spurts, and general awkwardness and you've got the makings of a really great emo band.
But that's the truth. You won't ever understand but as I'm sure everyone has already told you, it does in fact get better. Happiness really is what you make it and if that is true, then you not only have the opportunity but the responsibility to find what makes you happy. There isn't room for more bitter, insecure dicks in this world. You have to work for this happiness and it's hard work. You can't simply get a job and buy more makeup to be happy. You can't join a gym and look like -who's a popular hottie these days you kids all like?- to be happy. You can't make good grades and satisfy all your parent's expectations to be happy. You can't kiss ass and make everyone like you to be happy. You can't get super rich and buy a bunch of friends to be happy.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
6 days to go...
Ok guys! Here we are with only 6 days left to cam for January. 6 days and over 200 thousand tokens left on our goal. I'm not one to focus on the negative, I know it seems like a lot and I know you guys have already gone out of your way to get us this far. You FREEKING ROCK and I couldn't have a better group to surround myself with every night.
Our goal is the top #50 and although we haven't gotten there yet, let's focus on the crazy progress we have made already. As of today, our best ranking month was October where we ended at #467. Tonight, with 6 days to go, we finished at #199! We are already so far ahead of what we thought was our best only a few months ago.
Now, some of you are probably wondering why I keep saying "we". I'm not hearing voices, I swear. I phrase things this way so I can emphasize my reliance on and appreciation of all my tippers and members. You guys know how the rank works, the girl with the most tokens wins. We can't tip ourselves so that means that it is up to you guys to decide who will be spoiled into success. I can't even say that I do half the work. I just log on and hope you guys will take me there. And so far, you have! We got this far and I'm not ready to give up! I hope you guys will continue to be excited about this.
Even if we don't quite make it, we will know exactly what kind of energy it will take to do better next time and we will be able to say that we followed it through to the end. I don't know about you but the most difficult thing about this for me is trying to keep my energy up for an entire month. The first week or so I am fueled by the excitement but week three rolls around after a few seven hour sessions on a yoga mat and I start to wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Thank you for reminding me what I was thinking. I'm encouraged by your generosity and general awesomeness and that's the shit that keeps me motivated. So here we are, with 6 days and 200 thousand tokens to go. I am already so happy and amazed and re-excited about what's happening and I'm looking at this next week as an opportunity to see how much further we can take this.
Top #50 here we come! Dream big, bitches.
Our goal is the top #50 and although we haven't gotten there yet, let's focus on the crazy progress we have made already. As of today, our best ranking month was October where we ended at #467. Tonight, with 6 days to go, we finished at #199! We are already so far ahead of what we thought was our best only a few months ago.
Now, some of you are probably wondering why I keep saying "we". I'm not hearing voices, I swear. I phrase things this way so I can emphasize my reliance on and appreciation of all my tippers and members. You guys know how the rank works, the girl with the most tokens wins. We can't tip ourselves so that means that it is up to you guys to decide who will be spoiled into success. I can't even say that I do half the work. I just log on and hope you guys will take me there. And so far, you have! We got this far and I'm not ready to give up! I hope you guys will continue to be excited about this.
Even if we don't quite make it, we will know exactly what kind of energy it will take to do better next time and we will be able to say that we followed it through to the end. I don't know about you but the most difficult thing about this for me is trying to keep my energy up for an entire month. The first week or so I am fueled by the excitement but week three rolls around after a few seven hour sessions on a yoga mat and I start to wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Thank you for reminding me what I was thinking. I'm encouraged by your generosity and general awesomeness and that's the shit that keeps me motivated. So here we are, with 6 days and 200 thousand tokens to go. I am already so happy and amazed and re-excited about what's happening and I'm looking at this next week as an opportunity to see how much further we can take this.
Top #50 here we come! Dream big, bitches.
Monday, January 6, 2014
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