You'll Understand When You're Older: Ode to the 15 Year Old Zoe

Being young is weird. I'm not all grown up yet and I think I'm starting to realize that that simply doesn't happen for anyone. If I could tell my future-adult child-having self one thing, it would be to promise to never EVER tell your kids (teenagers) that "You'll understand when you're older." You won't. You will just get more comfortable with the fact that not every thing can be understood. Adults don't have some superpower that allows them to understand everything. A lot of adults give up trying to understand. The healthy ones learn to accept their humanity and accept their reliance on the unknown, and they are okay with that. Other adults get bitter about being so insecure. They are dicks, don't be like them.

There is truth though, to the statement "You'll understand when you're older." Basic biology teaches us that the frontal cortex of the brain has yet to fully develop and this helps you process your perception of the future (1). Right now, every thing seems permanent, there is no future and your life now is all that you can chemically understand. Add in a dash of childhood pains, hormones, growth spurts, and general awkwardness and you've got the makings of a really great emo band.

But that's the truth. You won't ever understand but as I'm sure everyone has already told you, it does in fact get better. Happiness really is what you make it and if that is true, then you not only have the opportunity but the responsibility to find what makes you happy. There isn't room for more bitter, insecure dicks in this world. You have to work for this happiness and it's hard work. You can't simply get a job and buy more makeup to be happy. You can't join a gym and look like -who's a popular hottie these days you kids all like?- to be happy. You can't make good grades and satisfy all your parent's expectations to be happy. You can't kiss ass and make everyone like you to be happy. You can't get super rich and buy a bunch of friends to be happy.

6 days to go...

Ok guys! Here we are with only 6 days left to cam for January. 6 days and over 200 thousand tokens left on our goal. I'm not one to focus on the negative, I know it seems like a lot and I know you guys have already gone out of your way to get us this far. You FREEKING ROCK and I couldn't have a better group to surround myself with every night.

Our goal is the top #50 and although we haven't gotten there yet, let's focus on the crazy progress we have made already. As of today, our best ranking month was October where we ended at #467. Tonight, with 6 days to go, we finished at #199! We are already so far ahead of what we thought was our best only a few months ago.

Now, some of you are probably wondering why I keep saying "we". I'm not hearing voices, I swear. I phrase things this way so I can emphasize my reliance on and appreciation of all my tippers and members. You guys know how the rank works, the girl with the most tokens wins. We can't tip ourselves so that means that it is up to you guys to decide who will be spoiled into success. I can't even say that I do half the work. I just log on and hope you guys will take me there. And so far, you have! We got this far and I'm not ready to give up! I hope you guys will continue to be excited about this.

Even if we don't quite make it, we will know exactly what kind of energy it will take to do better next time and we will be able to say that we followed it through to the end. I don't know about you but the most difficult thing about this for me is trying to keep my energy up for an entire month. The first week or so I am fueled by the excitement but week three rolls around after a few seven hour sessions on a yoga mat and I start to wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Thank you for reminding me what I was thinking. I'm encouraged by your generosity and general awesomeness and that's the shit that keeps me motivated. So here we are, with 6 days and 200 thousand tokens to go. I am already so happy and amazed and re-excited about what's happening and I'm looking at this next week as an opportunity to see how much further we can take this.

Top #50 here we come! Dream big, bitches.

Camiversary celebration!

One awesome year! Hope you'll join me for the celebration!

Fuck it, top #50!

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!
Here we are on the last day of 2013. WOW this has been a crazy year. I wrote a little bit about my first year of camming in my last few posts and I hope you guys can see why I am so excited about this.

So January! the 15th is my official 1 year camiversery and you guys have made the experience so far an amazing one! Then we have my first convention in Vegas that weekend. I have huge plans for this month but the main one that will dominate our goals is to make it to the top #50 on Miss MFC.

I have no idea how many tokens we'll need or how many hours I'm going to have to be on but I am prepared for the most extreme! My original plan was to go for top 150 but I'm thinking if we are going to do this, let's do it right.

Dream big, bitches!

Tonight I will be hosting a cam-a-thon of sorts and we will do our own count down to midnight (MFC time) at 12 am PST. And tomorrow, we'll start all over again!

Don't forget to buy your own set of my custom playing cards! I will be selling a limited number for 777tkns and a few will be raffled off so once midnight hits, get em while they're available! These will ONLY be available during the month of January and only in limited quantities.

Also, I have a huge stock pile of brand new videos! You can check them out tomorrow on my profile.

Don't forget to become a duke or a knight! Dukes tip 1000 tokens in a single tip to get their name on my profile and other special goodies. Knights are protectors of the realm while I am away and are my 5 highest cumulative offline tippers.

I can't say thank you enough for all of your support! Thank you thank you thank you! Now, let's get it!

Thank You! (part 2)

So I found Eva Lee. There is a sorta funny part of that part of my story that I forgot to point out. I said I was a guest. After sitting in her room, overwhelmed by the happiness that is Eva, for about twenty minutes, I worked up the nerve to say hello.

I typed "hello" as lame guests do and this error message popped up that I quickly ignored. I waited a few minutes and no one responded so I typed something along the lines of "I really like your hair" like lame guests do. Again, ignore error, again, nothing. I can't really explain the nervousness at this point. I'm sure many have experienced it on their first day on MFC. As a guest. Who everyone is ignoring.

So I thought maybe they didn't see my message cos it was too short. Or maybe they hated me... either way, I was practically sweating. I thought, she seems nice, maybe she wants to help a sister out and finally typed something like "Hey, you look really great. I'm a model too, what kind of camera do you use?"

This time I read the error message. "Guests have been temporarily muted by the model. Please sign up for a free account, asshole." My palms started sweating and getting sore. I thought maybe she had seen my message and had chosen to ignore it. You cannot NOT communicate, right? So I signed up for the free basic account as PrincessZoe2 and again tried to ask the pretty girl with red hair about her camera. This time all I got was "Basics have been temporarily muted... give us 20 bucks or fuck off."

So this irritated me and I gave up.

Thank You!

I know it is common for people to reflect on what they are happy about around the holidays and they go all ooy gooy about this and that... but at risk of being totally cliche, I just want to say Thank You!

Last November I decided to be a cam model.

I wasn't desperate for money. I wasn't in need of attention. I was curious. I'm an explorer and I like asking questions. It started out sort of like a research project and a test of my sexuality. I like to think of myself as a fairly open minded person and at the time, I was sort of wondering about my definitions of sexuality. I knew I was offended by porn but I didn't really know why. Was it because society taught me as a woman to find male sexuality vile and dirty? Or was it simply a preference, a choice I had made on my own, social bias aside?

That adventure is a whole different post but let's stick to the curiosity theme here. I was listening to Howard Stern's talk radio show and he was interviewing a girl who fucked herself in front of a webcam for money.

Up to this point, I had never heard of such a thing. So, I'm not big into porn. But I am into figuring things out. And to be honest, the exhibitionist aspect gets me excited. (Getting gang fucked by strong men with competition winning sized penises DOES NOT) This particular interviewee on Howard's show had her experience in porn and so I assumed this was some thing porn stars did on the side and didn't really think it was something "normal" girls did. And I didn't think too much about it for a while.

When are you 'content'?

Luckily, I woke up in a writing mood today. Unfortunately, that 10-15 pager due on Tuesday didn't seem all that appealing. But I do think I have an idea for a college essay, so that's productive enough I think. I really despise these essay questions the way I don't care for those trick questions they ask you during job interviews. I never know what they want to hear and I don't like the questions that seem to be asking for your life's pity-party story, or the ones that want a 600 word brag about how awesome you are.  But I went to sleep thinking about quilts and I woke up thinking about how much I like to do and make things, so here's the question and my brain-storm/first draft.

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you? 250-650 words.